I feel stuck. It feels like nothing i do works, and it feels like i cant even care about what i want. i cant cry or light a fire under my own ass to do what i need to do. It is the worst feeling because i cant even care, because i dont even want to live. I can't have any motivation because i dont feel safe. That's the reason im writing this at 3am is because i dont feel safe in my own home. Today, i got my annual chew out by my parents because i wasnt giving them results to make them feel better about themselves. I want to move out more than anything but no matter what they do or what they think, i just have zero chemical desire to actual go forward and do it. i have the my mind has the subconcious desire to quit life, its already decided its lost.
Recently, i started a minecraft world that im planning on playing on a long-term basis and i became obsessed over it. I began on a version on minecraft and then bounced around multiple of them to try and find the best one. It doesnt really matter that much but it does to my concious and subconcious brain because my minecraft world is one of the only places that i feel truely safe. Thats also one of the reasons i constantly update this journal to add better styling or code because its a safe space for me too. Its most likely the reason i was obsessed with computers as a child, as it was a utility to avoid my parents abuse.
I hope to try to find a safe space in real life but thats going to be difficult as my parents decided to force me to remove the lock on my door that i put there because of them. Long story-short, my mom saw me typing about something personal and decided to sneak behind me to see what it was.
9
3/20/26