To explain why this is such a big goal of mine and why it has been very difficult to achieve, let me give some background information on how i grew up and the difficulties i've faced. I grew up in a small town right in the backroads, the community was similar to that of southerners(even though we were in the north). My father was no exception, he had worked hard on the farm through out his early adult years and eventually made a living for himself. Similarly, my mother struggled to find a place to live during her early years and had to work hard to succeed. Those are all incredible achivements, but that doesnt make them good people. It is their belief that since they had to work hard to succeed that i own them everything and if i don't do everything they ask for, i'm being selfish and disrespectful. Unfortunately, I never realised how toxic they were till my late teen years. They emotionally manipulated me to have excellent grades and do extracurriculars to make them happy. They didn't love me, they just loved that i made them feel good about themselves because they saw me as a direct extension to themselves. Aside from that unless i was enaged in something that benefitted them, i was neglected. Even with all this abuse, my only goal was to make them happy because i trusted them. I was too blind to see how selfish they were being. I never made friends in school, i never engaged in any passions or did anything a kid would do. I wasnt curious, i didnt play, i didnt use my imagination, i was only a vessel to make them happy.
I still live with them today and since they realise im a legal adult, it has been hell on earth. they hate the fact that im not working or studying constantly, they harrass me and talk shit behind my back. They honestly think that if you arent constantly working all of the time, that the world is going to end. I'm literally only 19 and they are complaining about me living here for free when most people leave around 23. It really sucks to say this but i honestly wouldnt care at all if they died.
With this being said, by the time i was sixteen, my mind was beyond fucked up. I never made any friends in school because i was always the weird kid everyone knew for the wrong reason, I only really have one good friend present day. In 2025, I self-diagnosed myself with CPTSD and DPDR. Yes, it is a self-diagnosis but I would bet a limb that i'm correct since i've been researching for over a year. It has slowly been eating away at every bit of emotion and reality that i have left till there is nothing more. I have slowly been trying to care for myself and recover for the past year and have made some good progress, but living with my abusive parents holds me back. I am aiming to move out as soon as possible to start a new life.
My parents took away my childhood and replaced it with labor, i will never forgive them for that. This is why i am so passion about this goal, I want to live a life filled with experience and i havent gotten a chance to experience until now. Especially in this era, everyone is out for profit and no one stops to respect the experiences life gives them or even aims to experience more of life. I am confident that my future self will thank me for setting this goal for myself. This goal has been difficult for me because of the disassociation. My parents bullshit can very often become too much to handle so i escape into my mind and do nothing most days. To achieve this goal, i not only need to improve my life circumstances but also feel safe enough to be present in the moment and be able to process bad emotions without getting overwhelmed. At the current moment, the only emotion i can feel is fear, i cant feel any other emotion. I am excited for what the future holds and i hope that my life turns out to be everything i dreamed of.
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3/10/26