It has been a while since i've wrote one of these, not because i didnt feel the need to but because i never felt i had the energy. I've been doing better relatively, my main goal is just managing my emotions and shot nervous system. It is very easy to slip back into the back seat and waste my time numbing my mind. One of the problems i've had for the longest time is just the fact my emotions have more control over me than me most of the time. However, at the same time i am very limited to the emotions i can feel, i mostly feel fear, stress, and anger. I can sometimes feel sadness and very rarely happiness. I've been trying out this breathing routine on youtube and it seems to help me get sort of a nervous system reset. There are also other factors im trying to improve that are equally as important like my chronic back pain.
One thing that happened since last entry is i went on a date. It was a girl i met on snapchat. I invited her into the bowling alley and thankfully she wasnt a 30yo balding man lol. But when we got there, i bought her a lane and offered to buy her some food but she declined, so it was just me eating which was awkward. But even before this, she would never talk to me, she would only give me the fakest smile when i looked at her. She acted like she didnt want to be there from the very beginning. Afterwards, she told me she didnt want to continue the relationship. This really bothered me. I sent her multiple snaps of myself so i dont think it was because i was ugly. Shit like this always makes me question my character. I could do the most normal thing and people would treat me like a crackhead.
I know ive said this before but i really want to keep up on the journal entries...
23
6/5/23